I am a child. I'll last a while.

I am a child. In many respects.These thoughts spanned out on the basis of an apparently unheeded remark from a friend of mine.

In certain aspects of my life, maturity lacks. I too often turn to people for guidance and advice, place them on a pedestal, as authorities. Perhaps seeking a substitution for the parenting I never received. This I have found to be quite dangerous in the closest of intimate relationships, I am depending on a partner to such an extent, that the whole relation might bare a formidable imbalance.

I also see that child many of my cognitive processes and in my behaviour. I often retreat to being a child, I regress, wilfully, for I associate childhood with happiness. On some plane, I might be acting this childish out of the misguided idea that I might be more happy that way - act happy, an I will consequently be happy.

There is much room for maturation, reflection.

Who do I want to be? A mature, healthy, content, beautiful and spirited woman. I need to let go of that 'perfect peaceful street where we grew up' - I need to stop idealizing childhood as the only moment of happiness in my life. I can and will be happy. Satisfied. With what life gives me, with what I do to continually better myself as a person, in accordance to those people that surround me, but also the world in general.

I wish to be productive, give something back, do something meaningful, of value in the greater context. I do not wish to singlehandedly save the world. But I will be a good person and a good human. Respectful. Kind. Loving.

I yearn to grow up.  To be a woman, not a girl. To empower myself. To grow strong. I will be no child.

 

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Mystifistiske May

Mystifistiske May

23, Oslo

Mitt døpenavn er May. Jeg er mystifistisk - en utviklet form av vanlig mystikk. Jeg er en sjel som finner glede i å skape i bilder og ord. Og jeg prøver å skape et nytt liv for meg selv, utenfor min lille hule av melankolsk musikk og film, utenfor depresjon, selvhat, sosial angst og andre uhumskheter. Jeg har trukket meg tilbake fra livet i alt for mange år; det er på tide og trampe meg opp og ut. Jeg byr deg god dag og veksler gjerne en linje eller tusen: mysticmay(a)rocketmail.com.

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